Warning: the following contains SPOILERS
Then again, there wasn't much to spoil.
I have always been of the opinion that Snow White should have married the huntsman instead of a prince named Charming. I am a big fan of the scraggly-woodsman-who-turns-out-to-have-hidden-depths-of-nobility-and-intelligence cliche/archetype. I am happy whenever it appears. I heard the title of this movie and thought Oh goodie. Snow White marries the huntsman. That means the huntsman features prominently and displays hidden depths of nobility and intelligence. I may have to see this movie.
Then I saw the casting.
I am not a fan of Thor nor fan of Twilight. I think really I am mostly not a fan of Kristen Stewart or Chris Hemsworth. I don't really mind the book and I prefer my fictional men with short, dark hair, thank you very much.
But I saw the title and thought about how nice it would be for Snow White to marry the huntsman and thought, Okay, I'm pretty sure the writers of Thor were drunk while they wrote it, and not the good famous, writerly, inspired kind of drunk. Just the "Wow, this script I'm writing sucks so bad I think I'll have another drink" sort of drunk. So maybe hunky Chris just got a bad script. Maybe he has hidden depths of acting ability yet unrevealed. And then I thought, Well, Bella Swan is a pretty lame character. She's never happy and she's not good at anything. So maybe the fact that I don't think Kristen Stewart smiled once during the Twilight movies that I saw had to do with the character and not her acting skills. Snow White is a pretty happy character. Hmmm . . .
So as soon as I got back from Paris I asked my mother to go see it with me.
It was nice going out with my mom, but I have to say I haven't seen a movie this disappointing since the new Jane Eyre where they suddenly decided resolutions were no longer necessary for storytelling.
Never mind. I take that back. I saw How Do You Know just the other day and that was pretty fabulously disappointing. More disappointing than Jane Eyre? Not sure.
Anyway, for my conclusions about the film.
This movie was a complete wreck of plotting, writing and acting. It should have hit the slush pile in its infancy and never made it to the big screen. There were so many leads that made me sit up and go Well, that might be cool that they went absolutely no where with. For example, the little silver fairies in the magical land called the Sanctuary (that turned out not to be a sanctuary after all, because the bad guys found it) appeared for just long enough for me to think I know! An adorable fairy army! then vanished never to be seen again. They threw in the White Hart, which is an old, old legend. The White Hart appears, has a weird moment with Snow White, gets shot (shot!) by the bad guys (who some how found the unfindable sanctuary) and then turns into butterflies. WWHAAAATTT?
|Cute, but pointless fairies.|
With Snow White
petting someone's snout in the background.
Then, during all the sword fights and running they were setting up what seemed to be shaping up to be a pretty solid love triangle. William, an earl's son and a childhood friend of Snow White, Snow White, and the hunky, bad ass, pleasingly dark-haired huntsman. The thing is called Snow White and the Huntsman so I went in thinking she was going to marry/get together with the huntsman. It's the huntsman's kiss that wakes her from her sleep alright, but is that explained? No. Does Snow White ever know it was the huntsman's kiss that woke her up? No. Does Snow White know it was someone's kiss at all? No. Does Snow White figure it out anyway and marry the huntsman after she has gone all Jean D'Arc and saved her country? No! Does Snow White marry anyone? NO! NO! NO!
HOW COULD THEY WRITE THAT AND THINK IT WAS GOOD? HOW?
|How could she not marry this guy?|
Especially after she armored up.
|Or this guy.|
I would have been nearly as happy
if she had married this guy.
She gets crowned queen then stands up and it looks like the huntsman is going to leave, but he stops and smiles at her and she frowns slightly less at him for a moment, then . . . credits! Nothing! No resolution. No love story. No happy ending. And what about William? He suddenly must have fallen through a wormhole or something, because otherwise he would have been in this scene! Looking on jealously or something.
I would also like to point out that Kristen Stewart said almost nothing throughout the entire movie. They took away her lines! They must have known she was a bad actress too. Even her rabble rousing speech at the end was pretty lame.
The one bright spot was the handsome Chris Hemsworth. I have concluded that, while not brilliant, he is a pretty good actor and cute too (especially when he is all conflicted and slightly muddy). He got all the lines they took away from poor Kristen and all of them were better than the ones he got in Thor.